me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry