If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
step 6: release the wall snake
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB