Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.