When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Waiting for the Charmin