I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.