*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu