The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Risking my life for fun.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’