99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
It鈥檚 fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it鈥檚 actually good.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I鈥檓 hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don鈥檛 notice me because I don鈥檛 want to share.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn鈥檛 private.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 馃檪
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he鈥檚 already seen me kill that week
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i鈥檓 like shut up no one likes you
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
There鈥檚 never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I鈥檓 allowed to correct someone鈥檚 grammar.