Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I had a time machine I鈥檇 destroy the invention of autotune and say 鈥済ood luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese鈥檚
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
True statement馃憤馃槒馃榿
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.