Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Bless you
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
pelicons
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*