You Might Also Like
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?