I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u