Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.