Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I don’t get marriage
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners