*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email