3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand