Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
(more comics:
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home