A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.