[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I unironically love this joke.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
accurate
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.