My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.