Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
You Might Also Like
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.