In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.