When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.