Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.