If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?