[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.