Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’m crying im so happy for them
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*