therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Don’t talk down to me
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.