Squirrel having fun.. 馃槄
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it鈥檚 not a war on Christmas, it鈥檚 just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn鈥檛 white
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I鈥檓 never sure what to do with my hands when I鈥檓 eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn鈥檛. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.