Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You Might Also Like
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.