CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it