please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
a god among men
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??