I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”