Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A small tragedy.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.