Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*orders delivery*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night