It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart