*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
grotesque if literal: baby food
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”