Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.