I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell