*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
You Might Also Like
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.