I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine