*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much