[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.