I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.