[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
An odd boast
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?