Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
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Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My wife has the worst taste in men.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Flock of bats
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.