I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
🤣
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house