Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You Might Also Like
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you