I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey