I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
went fishing caught a bass
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”